Learning to love me again

Learning to love me again

“You’ve changed.” 

“You’re right. I have. And I have no intention of ever going back." 

This was a very brief conversation I had with my ex-husband shortly before our marriage completely crumbled. He had been great at making excuses for why he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) be the man I met and married. He had changed, and not for the better, in our short 5 years of marriage. 

He threw his comment “You know what? You’ve changed too.” back at me. I thought for a second. He wasn’t wrong. I had changed. I was still changing. I was on a very important journey and had no intention of slowing down or going back. 

I had been introduced to a world of self-care, self-love, and self-discovery. My new world was surrounded by people who not only wanted the same for themselves, but cheered me on in my own journey. 

I was loading myself up with daily personal-development, attending team calls with like-minded people, working out regularly, learning how to fuel my body with healthy foods, attending in-person events with tens to thousands of others on similar journeys, with a similar purpose and goal in mind. Why, oh why, would I stop? And go back to a me who constantly questioned herself, had no self-worth whatsoever, and no clue which way was up and which way was down? Absolutely never! 

And why? Why would someone who claimed to love and want to protect me want me to? 

Y’all, I had changed. He had changed. Neither of us was budging. I was told to leave our home and never come back. I did. With no car, no money to my name (he had taken our joint account $700 in the negative to be sure), no job, and no home to call my own. But I left with my life. I left with my sanity. I left with my head held high, knowing that I had absolutely made the right decision, even if it was a hard one and hurt. 

That was 5 years ago. I’m still on my journey. I’ve had minor set backs here and there. But I’ve kept my promise to never go back. I’ve kept my promise to continually work on me. And I’ve had so many people on my side, cheering me on the whole time. 

Y’all, know your worth. Refuse to settle or set your entire being aside for another. You can’t fill from an empty cup. And you are so, so important to this world.

Trusting the flow

Trusting the flow

I’ve never been a new year’s resolution kind of person. If I’m going to set a goal, I’m going to set a goal. No matter what time of year it is. And research has shown that the majority of those who do set resolutions for the new year, rarely stick with them.

I am however a word of the year kind of girl. I like having a word as a theme or focus for my year. I’ve done this the last couple years or so. And while I may not consciously think about my word every day, it seems to find its way into my life regularly.

I tend to start thinking about my word Novemberish. I look for clues and let thoughts run through my mind to see if anything stands out. I turned several over in my mind the last couple months. I even did a 5 day exercise to help me find my word. And I really enjoyed the process (you can find it here). It brought up words like successful, confidence, unwavering (I really liked that one), brave, and a few others. I almost settled on focus.

But that’s not how I found my word. My words found me. Yep, words. Two of them. Flow and trust. Different times, different situations. But they both showed up and wouldn’t leave me alone. So I’m letting them both stay.

I have no doubt I need both in my life. I need them to be ever present. I need to learn how to trust myself again. I’ve come to understand that I haven’t truly done so in years. Years of making bad decisions instead of going with your gut instinct and allowing those bad decisions to influence how you think and feel about yourself will do that. 

As for flow…it just brings me peace of mind. Not in a go with the flow as if you have no control kind of way. But in an “I’m going to let things flow naturally” kind of way. I’m ready to let my ideas, creativity and authenticity flow. I’m ready to stop questioning and worrying about what others think and let things be as they should. Let me be as I should. 

Here’s to 2022 and letting my words show up. I’m trusting the flow.

Do you have a word for the year? I'd love to hear it and your process of finding your word.

Goodbye 2021. Hello 2022.

Goodbye 2021. Hello 2022.

Oooh, what a year 2021 has been! 

I initially chose fearless for my word. I should have chosen adventure or change. Because that was certainly the theme of the year! But I suppose fearless doesn’t necessarily mean without fear, as much as it means less fear, right? So maybe it was the right word after all. 🤔 

I’m any case, it was a year for the books! A cross country move, that took way more time and adjusting than I ever imagined. Not that that’s a bad thing. It just commanded a lot of my attention and put some other things on hold. I’m not complaining about it at all. I’d do it all over again. (You can read more about our move in my last 3 blogs.)

We began planning our move from Colorado to Alaska in January. Packed up and headed out end of March. Hit Alaskan ground first of April. I started a job, we moved into an apartment, Brandon started his job in June. A job that would have him commute by plane on a two week rotational schedule. 

Talk about change and adventure! 

Of course we made sure to spend some of our long summer days exploring Alaska, and made sure to make some of those explorations happen with my girls and son-in-law. 

I then left my job as a case manager and went back to work for schools. Two weeks later covid paid us a visit. Here we are two months later and it’s still holding on to some extent. It realllly likes me! 

Still though, life is good. We’re finally settling into what life here means for us and working hard to make our dreams and goals come true. I’ve made some amazing friends, who it somehow feels have always been a part of my life. I feel like Alaska has always been home, even though it’s insanely cold right now and my fibromyalgia body doesn’t appreciate it much. But at this point in life I wouldn’t be anywhere else. 

Thank goodness change and adventure are my comfort zone! 2021 has been a wild ride! I can’t wait to see what 2022 holds!!

Things I learned on my move to Alaska

Things I learned on my move to Alaska

I’ve moved a lot in my life. Like averaged a move about every 2 years. Lived in 12 (13 now) states and another country. But this is the first big move I’ve made in my adult life. And I’ve learned a few things along the way. So thought I’d share. 

  1. Pulling a 12 ft, fully loaded trailer does not make my H3 happy. It was a struggle! Going the speed limit now without the load is a little weird. I sometimes forget it's even an option.
  2. A 2 week long move is long! But with the right people, it's actually fun.
  3. Speaking of the right people...we all still like each other! Like we actually still enjoy each others company.
  4. Montana is BEAUTIFUL! It's definitely top of my list.
  5. I get sea sick. I had no clue. I've been on ferries before but only short day trips. Not a 4 1/2 day trip. I quickly learned if you get car sick, chances are pretty good you also get sea sick. And it sucks!
  6. 4 1/2 days on a ferry automatically bonds you to others living those days with you. I'm pretty sure we made life-long friends on that journey. And I can't wait to see their experiences in other parts of this amazing state!
  7. 15 minutes isn't very long when you have 2 dogs to tend to. However, once you get it down it somehow becomes plenty of time. Except when it comes to actually having time to cuddle and love on your fur babies. Having to be separated from them isn't easy. (Oh and that same 15 minutes is an eternity that you may or may not make if you're dealing with sea sickness.)
  8. Frost heaves are a thing. A thing that can wreck your vehicle and break everything you've packed. Look them up. All I can say is that driving over them at 50 mph is horrible! Especially when you're carrying a load behind you.
  9. It takes time for your body to realize it's no longer on a boat. Today is day 2 and I still have moments I feel the boat rocking.
  10. Camper life isn't for the weak! Little room. Not a lot of space for fresh veggies and meat. Cooking healthy meals isn't as easy as I thought it'd be. And you have to really like the people sharing that tiny little space with you.
  11. It's all been well worth it! We may have just arrived, but I have no doubt this is my state. And I can't wait to get out and start exploring! Now if the snow and ice could kindly melt away and not leave an insanely huge muddy mess, that would be lovely. (I'm asking too much, I know. But it's worth a try, right?)

I’ll share our ferry experience in more detail soon! 

Road to Alaska - Part 1

Road to Alaska - Part 1

Well, we did it! We’ve started our journey to Alaska! 

4 days of driving and 5 days waiting in Bellingham. Next up, 4 ½ days on the ferry. Then a short (all things considered) drive to Kenai to start the next chapter of our lives!

We had a bit of a rough start leaving out of Colorado. We left about 4 hours after we planned. Had lots of winds and uphill climbs (and downhill descents) throughout our journey. The H3 is not a fan of pulling big loads (a 12 ft loaded cargo trailer). Brandon isn’t a fan of pulling a 24 ft camper behind his truck. It was an adventure for sure! And while it may not be one I care to do all over again, I’ve enjoyed it to its fullest.

We traveled up through Colorado, up through Wyoming, across Montana, clipped the top of Idaho, and traveled across the state of Washington. So much country to be seen! I added 3 new states in the process. And got way too many pictures and videos! (I’m working on getting some of the videos up on YouTube. So stay tuned for those!)

I can tell you that at the moment, Montana is by far my favorite state. It is absolutely breathtaking! I couldn’t get enough. And if we weren’t currently on our way to making this move to Alaska, I may have just stayed put!

We’ve stayed at RV sites just outside of Casper, WY, one in Anaconda, MT, another in Ellengburg, WA, and ended in Bellingham, WA. Had we known we wouldn’t be running into any issues along the way, I would have voted to spend more time in MT. Seriously, if you haven’t been, add it to your bucket list now! Put it at the top and make sure you do it! 

My only regret is that we haven’t had time to explore. We’ve been keeping our distance from others as best as we can due to needing negative covid tests to board the ferry. Thankfully we have been successful in that! We had our tests a couple days ago and got our negative results yesterday. Tomorrow it’s onto the ferry! 

I have no doubt I’ll have tons more video, tons more pictures, and tons more to share when we dock in Whittier. I also have no doubt that this next chapter in life is going to be an amazing one! I can’t wait to share it all with you!

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